::: MISCHIEF NIGHT & CHUNG YEUNG :::

Growing up there was this thing called Mischief Night on the eve of halloween. Punk kids went out and did things. Wrapped some houses in tp, shaving creamed a few cars, chalked the streets. Nothing too serious, at least for my friends and neighborhood hoodlums.

One year my parents were out of town, and we had recently made a visit to The Price Club...before Sam's or Costco were big. Grandma was staying with us and it was everything I could do to lie to her and get out that night. It was a rough stay that year from Grandma. I was a punk to her. But I grabbed the tp and headed out with Jeff Ciardi...wish I knew what he was doing these days...anyway, we headed down to the Quick Check along the way throwing one roll of tp. Yeah, one roll. Cause you know, we knew that no one would notice it missing. If I remember Jeff was a little more excited about doing some damage than I was but still...we were not punks and didn't have it in us.

Wusses.

Anyway, today is a national holiday. I am off of school today and spending time catching up and trying to get a little ahead too. Turns out that we have 17 Public holidays a year. I like Hong Kong...a lot.

The name of today's festival is the Chung Yeung Festival, and it is slightly in line with the other end of October festivals centered around dead people. If you click the highlighted link above, then it will take you to to an excellent blog entry here in HK about the festival, and there will be another linked word in Orange. Click that for an explanation of the festival...or 'Holiday' for those stuck in Western thinking.

Happy Chung Yeung!

::: FOLLOW UP TO THE LAST ENTRY :::

So...you've seen the new place. You have a place to stay. Just flight costs...and incidentals.

It begs the question...


WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???

WHEN ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE A PLACE TO STAY AND A TOUR GUIDE TO SEE HONG KONG AND CHINA!!!

The first guest arrives on the 11th! Bring it on Marc!

::: ME & JACKIE, DOWN BY THE SCHOOLYARD :::

Turns out the Hong Kong Smile Ambassador is going to be my neighbor.



Jackie Chan is rumored ( I was told by my principal that he was ) to live near by my new place. The new digs will be in a place called Clear Water Bay, a very beautiful place in Hong Kong. There is a movie studio nearby and supposedly quite a few movie stars live nearby...of course HongKong movie stars...that I will never...ever...ever ever ever recognize.

Earlier this week, the other teachers that will live there and I all went to visit the house to see its progress. They are remodeling a three story home with 7 rooms and one heck of a view from the roof, which counts as a great party deck...and laundry facility!

The location is beautiful, and perhaps the best part and something I am very excited about...very near to an exclusive Country Club, of which I was told I should get to play due to my principals connections.

Here are a few shots of this amazing place... The beach is just below our house...hee hee hee. Suffering over here, really, I am.

First, a panoramic view from the roof...hey, i did the best i could. (this was before I knew there was a panoramic setting on the camera...shut up)








This is the outside of our house, and the bottom room on the left is mine. No balcony or view for me, cause I am the only dude, and must play door man. Booooo! All I know is I plan on being on the rooftop a lot.



















This is the view from the rooftop looking down toward the beach. To be specific, Clear Water Bay Beach 2. Beach 1 is right below us.























Here is a peek from CWB 2 looking up toward the house



















Here is another view from the beach towards the house. That's our hood up in the lush trees!























This is a closer image I took from the road that leads to the beachfront. Ours is directly behind the white house. The buildings share a wall.


















This is a shot from the beach looking out over the bay and onto the golf course. It jetts out into the ocean and has palm trees lining the fairway.


















Ahhhh...that water feels REAL dang good. It was 89 today and the water was beautiful!



If you want to see these locations on Google Earth, just leave a comment or email me and I will send them to you!

::: A Change Is Gonna Come ::::

So maybe this isn't so Asian...but I am here...and she is there.

This little girl that I met a few weeks before leaving has 'gotten under my skin' as Ol' Blue Eyes sang.

She sneaks into my day in random ways, like a sneak attack from the tickle monster when you are a little kid. Out of nowhere...and you are glad they are there making you laugh and smile.

Tonight I was eating at Ruby Tuesday's...back in the States I would have avoided this restaurant after a few mediocre visits in Jackson, Tennessee. But, in Hong Kong...if you want a decent burger, you would go here. And I did...want a good burger...and get it at Ruby Tuesdays. I have a 50% off card that makes it not so so crazy expensive, roughly $10. Yeah, I said not so crazy expensive...I never said cheap.

I stroll up to the bar like Norm Petersen...you know, like I belong there...and everyone should know my name. They don't by the way. I am just another foreigner looking for a western meal.

I order the Colossal burger...it's huge. Two half pounders. One...stacked on top of the other! Ahhh, but my mother taught me well...take the other one home and stretch that meal! And, I did. But that is not the point.



I am about to bite into this monster, and all of a sudden I hear a song overhead that is quite familiar. Rascal Flatts. One of Cheryl's favorite bands. I can't help the smile that starts off in the corner of my mouth and moves across with the power of a tidal wave.

Now, I, however hate this song. It's was overplayed. It's a bit cheesy. It's endearing...but I guess I just got tired of hearing it played on every station on the radio. It was one of THOSE songs. It crossed-over into every genre, thus every station. One of the reasons I switched to satellite radio.

Bless The Broken Road. That's the song. That's the song that I hate and uncontrollably change on the radio EVERY time it comes on. It's instinct. It just happens.


But today...things changed.


And then I think to myself...ooohhhhhh...so, this is what it's like!

YEAH...I LIKE THAT

So I am tooling around on the web checking out various sites that I regularly visit and I follow a link to a UK site. Some kind of online newspaper or something. There is a cool picture of a guy who turned his house into the scene of a plane crash. Imagine LOST a-la suburban front yard.

To see the photo bigger, there is in parentheses the following words...(click to embiggen).

Embiggen.

I like that term.

I think I will use it in a sentence...after all, I AM and English teacher.

"My vocabulary is beginning to embiggen due to living in Hong Kong where there is quite a British influence."










*the typos were for irony

I HATE MORNINGS

I hate mornings.

I don't do them well.

Somehow all the junk that gets in your eyes at night doesn't all wind up as crusty stuff that lives in the corners. That stuff is at least fun to hear hit the porcelain sink in the morning. I like listening to see how loud of a ding it makes when it hits...I usually judge how good of a nights sleep I had on that noise.

But the other stuff...the stuff that isn't dry yet. That goop...PISSES ME OFF!
It gets in the way! It simply blocks the sight of one eye as it pleases. It has a mind of its own, which is why I am taking this so personally. And you can't get rid of it without looking like you have pink-eye from all the rubbing. One minute you are fine, then next blurrsville. I can rub and rub and think I got the goop, but I never do. It shows up somewhere else...aided and abbeded by my eyelids.

Another reason I hate the mornings is that I never seem to get enough sleep. We have a meeting every morning that is conducted in Cantonese and lasts about 20 minutes. I hate waking up before 7am. I hate getting up and having to iron on some days because my clothes that are air drying are'nt quite dry enough. Not getting up any earlier leaves me having to rush. I hate rushing. I have left the iron on on a number of occasions. I hate leaving the iron on.

I haven't had a good morning since I got here.

Save the one where I checked myself into the Holiday Inn Golden Mile. Not your average Holiday Inn my friends. I checked myself in for the pillows...all six of them. The King size bed...the one I am on is from IKEA and has a headboard and footboard...and I guess in IKEAville people are just not as tall. The television...NFL scores just aren't the same on the internet...nor is Squawk Box. And of course, simply to spoil myself a little bit. I had space. I had real estate in the King Size bed. I had curtains over the shades that kept out the light that sometimes sneaks in through the blinds. I had space. I had great sleep, and...

I had coffee.

Ooohhhhhh that sweet nectar of the earth! It had been almost a year exactly since my last consistent routine with coffee. I have had the occasional cup of coffee, but nothing like the pot of coffee I would have once an hour like I used to. I had switched to tea last summer, after all,...THEY say that Green Tea has more caffeine than a regular cup of black coffee and Jasmine Tea settles your stomach and gets you ready for the day.

You know, I would love to learn about the different teas while I am over here and am working on getting a visit to a tea farm set up...I may even see if I can do some of the picking.

But, there is something about that aroma of coffee. And, I really don't know that the word 'aroma' can really be used in any other setting. Fresh French bread has a smell that is unlike any other, but it to me is a smell. I never say aroma about french bread. Nor do I say it about fresh baked cookies. The only time I use aroma is for the smell of roasting coffee. And, the best part of the deal is that you know exactly the scent I am talking of when I use the word aroma. It's that kick in the head you get when it wafts into your nose. That sudden, punchy smell...and it reminds me of so many things.

I get my share of the blessed aroma...there are Starbuck's aplenty. But, just none in my area. There really isn't any coffee chain or providers...in fact, not even at the 7-11. So my dear friends...bad mornings can get better...usually with a good cup of that filtered dirt.

But, for now, the next paycheck has a coffee makers name all over it...he thinks to himself as he rubs more goop out of his eyes while typing this during the morning meeting.

::: A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS :::



My "other" favorite trinitarian topic for discussion



Oh God...I can see the light!

AIN'T SHE FINE!!!

This is how me and the lady keep up the heat! Man. I just think she looks so hott here! That's me in the bottom left hand corner and her office in her background. Each night we have a standing video call at 10 at night my time and 9am her time. This is us talking through some Christmas plans...as the song goes...

"I'll Be Home For Christmas!"

IT'S A BAD DAY WHEN...

It's been 8 weeks tonight since i left out of DFW for Hong Kong. The adventure still unfolds and everyday I am thankful for this.

It has also been 8 weeks since my last haircut. So, I am doing a little research on what I would like to do. I mean, No one from home is going to see me for at least another 2 months, and that leaves plenty of time for hair to grow back.

I think to myself...Self...may be time for a new haircut. Let's see what celebrities I look like and check out their bazillion dollar haircuts and see what we have.

If only I could turn back time...




(not sure why the whole thing won't fit...that's Robert Downey Jr. on the right)

So, let's see. Who the crap is Matt Stone and Frederik Ljungberg? Wait is that Matt Stone from South Park fame? Well...then, we have the upstanding citizen sex addicts...and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Who incidently awoken my knowledge of what the word SHART means and shares an uncanny resemblance to my very own Basketball skills.



Did you know Cheryl was a State Champion Basketball Player? Yeah...she has no idea bouts deez skillz!

Finely tuned in Piscataway, New Jersey in one of three hoops venues...the chain-link hoop up at Tara Park, The Fultz's driveway, or at Kevin DeGrazio's...also the place where I got the infamous Sugarbear...affectionately known as Bear.

Game On!

::: Golden Week, Part Nine...Let's Just Close This Thing Up

So...where was I?

Oh yeah. On a bed, really just a piece of plywood covered in a sheet or two. A stained pillow of some sort, and splatter stains on the wall that indicate...well, that something went wrong for someone.

From my pillow I can see a few things that render the mind to think...UNSANITARY. Not too bad though, reminded me of the hospital in Brasil I visited. Yes, I would go back and yes, I would let a loved one be treated there.

Well, I am on my back and the little nurse comes in to introduce me to my new best friends. But, just before bringing them in I get a little shot in the feaster!




















That's right Nurse...like two fine Christmas Hams crammed into some Khaki shorts!!! I am a cheeky fellow!




















Then...the two best friends roll in. The nurse hooks me up with the very first IV drip I have ever had in my life. Actually, this is the first visit to the hospital that didn't begin and end in the Emergency Room and something on my face or head getting sewn up.





















Drip and Drip Controller. These guys were going to get me back up and running...you know, the good kind of running. I am hooked up for the first time ever in my life to an IV drip...in China. I have lived some life folks...I have lived some life!
















While I am getting the fluids and basically on my way to recovery, the other Doctor that was checking me in stopped by to say hello...This is the same one that took the other patient while I was being assesed. While I was slightly frustrated with him for the aforementioned curb-tossing he gave me, this was a really nice gesture and I was humbled...and even a little more comforted. Unfortunately for John and Jenn...who are pretty well versed in Chinese, this guy wanted to do nothing but talk about them and ask all kinds of questions...at 1am...in a foriegn language. Try that in English any day and see if you don't want to choke someone about 10 minutes into it.






























The doctor clears up immediately our first question as to whether or not I am supposed to be drinking the super-salty mix they gave me. Drink it up he says. I guess we are getting hydrated from the mouth and the veins! About a liter into the water, I can tell things are working again because man do I need to go #1. Bladder is on 'F' and ready to make some room. Mind you all I can do in my head is think of the infamous, "went in for #1 and out came #2" whoopsie. And with the luck I was having with that whole issue...I'll add a leg crossing to the colon clenching and at this point, I totally must have looked uncomfortable!

While Dr. McChats-a-lot was keeping John and Jenn at a high blood pressure, I closed my eyes and just hung out there thinking. I mean could Christ have ever been more evident? China. Medically trained friends. Friends with the Chief of Staff. Harvard. English. No waiting in line. Extra visits by Doctors. Clarification of Harvard boy's prescriptions. I was at peace. I thanked the Trinity...you know...gotta keep it real...and I opened my eyes and the Doc was asking about one other prescription that he saw was missing. Luckily it was all squared away and it was for something I like to call Liquid Colon Concrete. 1 Dose of that stuff and it would be days before that seal was cleared!

It was now easily almost 2am and I was feeling superb. They asked if I wanted the last bag of fluids and I passed, the two I had were definitely enough. We thanked everyone and shook hands, I walked away smiling at the whole ordeal and laughed to myself.

Only one last thing we needed. To hail a cab, and it not take 45 minutes like coming home from the Psycho Communist Massage Lady. We should just send her in under-cover into North Korea, that whole thing will work itself right out! Well, we walk out of the building to head to look for a cab and there was one parked, almost like it was waiting for us.

Yes, friends. It's true yet again. The Bible tells us that God goes before us. He sure did. He protected me. He served me through different people. He blessed me. He gave me an adventure...and from your emails....He has given you laughter at my expense.

Anything for you...and...anything for Him.

::: Golden Week, Part Oito (8) LOST IN TRANSLATION

Gotta love cell phones with Camera's. Thanks to Motorola and Nokia, we have documented the adventure for your viewing pleasure.



"Emergency Reception"


We arrive at the hospital to find the Emergency Room entrance blocked off for construction. Perfect. A small concern in light of the explosive diarrhea I feel coming on again. And we have to go for a little walk to get to where we are heading. Its not the diarrhea that is the problem. But, most public places in China only have what we would call 'squatty potties.' Basically it's a porcelain hole in the floor where you...well squat. Not even hover. Knees bent, pants around your ankles and give it heck. Well...if I had aiming control it would not be a problem. Basically I do what any good Westerner would do...I clench...and clench hard. I am motivated by the thought that I would have to burn the clothes I came in with and the room would need hosing down afterward if I allowed the clenching to cease. Not on my watch.

"Emergency Observation Ward"















Down this hallway is where...well...you get observed. But Instead I decide to have a moment of reality and survey the situation.



















Then...I make a decision...I have video capabilities on my camera! Time for a Last Will and Testament! I begin rolling the beautiful bean footage footage!

I am waiting and just sitting. It's only a few minutes and there are tons of people here. It looks like a frustrating wait to see a doctor. AHHH...but not if you know the Chief of Staff!!! We are ushered into a seperate area for a consult. The Doc checks me out. He takes us into another room and gets started right away. He asks me some questions and basically we determine that it has to be Food Poisoning. The term used is Acute Gastroenteritis. And then the confusion begins.



















First of all. Out comes the Thermometer. All I can do is look for the mercury tip on that thing. If it's long...that is a good sign, oral thermometer. If it is short...um...not getting my temperature taken that way...especially if they knew the kind of night I had before. It's long. Phew. I open my mouth to take the thermometer and the Doc is like "WHOA! No, no ,no." Crap...I think to myself...it is a rectal thermometer!!!! Gheez this keeps getting more and more awkward.

Then relief comes when he says, "In China we take the temperature in the armpit." Ahhh...much better. But, I'm like...you sure you wanna do that there big guy? I mean these guys are special...Hyper-Hydrosis my friend...HYPER!

I usually peg low on the 'ol body temp. I had a 100.3 temp. High for 'ol Mold.

Then the wierdest thing happens. The other Doctor in the room that is talking to mine and taking notes all of a sudden takes another patient. I was like...look lady...get the crap out of my way. I am being treated here! I wanted to stand up and just yell...I mean let her have it. Ohhhh it pissed me off. But hey...TIC...This is China, they just do things differently.



After the consult the scripts are written and my bill comes to a total of $170. You must pay before you get to the next step. John goes and pays the $170 cause he is such an awesome man...and that it only adds up to about $17 bucks! It was expensive because they prescribed imported medicines. So, you know...first class for mold. The doc gets the scripts and says, "Follow me."

We head off into the hallways of the hospital and out the door to another building. He finds me a bed instead of a chair and I get a place to lay down. Incredibly kind of him.



Looks like I am not the only wiped out one. Jenn grabs a little rest too.

::: Golden Week, Part Seven...unlucky friggin part 7

I get up from the couch to have one more go at it. I figure...it’s time, and I am sure it is ready to rumble.

The Ring? The Porcelain God. The Contenders? My Stomach and My Mouth. Ding...friggin ding you sorry $%*@#$%!


The bell tolls...nothing. Nothing at all.


And then...

I begin to shiver. Not shiver...shake...I mean like I am doing the truffle shuffle...Goonies fans, Hello?...you out there? I see that hand...yeah, there you are! Where was I? Oh, yeah.

My chin is shaking violently...I cannot even talk normally...my knees are shaking, everything is shaking...I have zero control over myself...I am getting a little freaked out. My tongue feels like it is swelling and my throat is closing up. I do the only thing I know to do...run a hot bath...and look at John. I tell him what I am going to do hoping that he gets freaked out by the sight that I am...I mean I look like I have Parkinson's (not kidding) and I am now a little scared that I am heading for convulsions or siezureville. Or...even worse...the Chinese version of 911...119. Who said they were original? By now, I have lost all color and can see the veins in my hands like I was Mr. Slim Goodbody. All I can think in my head is...warm up the Ambulance! Call Dr. McPukey...cause here I come...better yet...I think to myself...

"HERE I COME JESUS...I AM COMING HOME!!! THIS IS IT...WHERE'S THE LIGHT? WHERE'S THE PART WHERE I CLAIM JESUS AS MY SAVIOR? WHERE'S THAT GATE? IS THERE REALLY A GATE?"

Then I hear John. He says hold off on the bath and gets Jennifer. She's a sight for sore eyes. He and I looked like a bunch of people who just got asked a question they had no idea how to answer...but tried anyway. I think they are called Democrats. Sorry Keith. Just kidding. Had to.

She says no on the bath and says get into bed. She and John put about 6 blankets on me and then add a hot water bottle. John heads for more Gatorade at the shop below the apartment and by now my back is killing me. I can't lay down on my back. I have to switch to my side. Too much pain. I have never felt like this...nor have I ever felt so helpless. John gets back with the Gatorade and I take a swig. I look over and while shivering I try to get intelligible words out and say, "I am almost about ready to go to a hospital Jenn."

She replies with a comforting thought. "Oh no, were not going there buddy...not unless you are dying. You don't want that experience."

Helpless feeling gets increasingly present.

John adds a bucket to the bed I am in...just in case. I smirk. I think to myself. Awww...they are worried. C'mon...I'm good in that arena. My tongue feels huge, and my throat dry. I feel a little nauseous but no where near the firehose puker that I was.

Then...I burp.

Oh crap. Yeah...I can make it to the bathroom...no prob- uh oh. Hand over mouth. Burp again. Uh-oh...this ones not stopping...nope not just a burp. Oh, hello puke all over the wall...and the door...and the floor. Who knew puke could get through a hand that fast and spray that far? That's lovely. Oh...we're not done. Welp...yup...here comes some more. The target is now is sight. I see the sink..oh great...remember the sink. BAM! I hit it. I get in position...perfect form again. I am getting good at this!

I look up. No blood vessels burst. Tears in my eyes. Most of the stomach stew is in the sink. Then I hear it. I hear the words...and I hear them in slow motion. It's Jenn's voice. I hear her say to John..."Call Kirk...have him bring their car. It's time to go to the hospital."

Oh great. Didn't she say we weren't going there unless...um...I...uh...um...was...um...dying? Great. I am dying. I am dying. Dying in China. Dying. Great. Well maybe they'll just wheel me down on a gurney to that incinerator. Cool. WAIT!

I feel better. Really I do. Then, my ride arrives...

::: Golden Week, Part Luk (6) ... pronounced "look"...only don't fully say the 'k'

About 1.30am or 2am, I feel something in my stomach trying to get out. I get up out of bed and head to the restroom and just feel sick and thirsty. I use the restroom and grab some water out of the cooler. Uncomfortable and not fun, but nothing too exciting...at least for another 30 minutes.

I woke up again...and now I am pissed! I hate waking up in the middle of the night. It is like someone is stealing from me. I get pissed. Then I feel my stomach. Eyes bug wide open. There is a monster growling in my stomach...and he's even more pissed than I am. He wins. Off I run.

This may um...get...um...graphic at times. Parental Guidance suggested.

Let's just say that I run to the restroom and park myself where you are supposed to park, and as Larry the Cable Guy says...I could have pooped through a keyhole it was going so straight and fast! Then...the other end kicked in. I am projectile out of both ends and making ungodly noises in the bathroom next to 8 ten-year olds trying to have a slumber party. I mean the noises were sickening and the odors worse. I was grossing myself out and having just a terrible terrible experience. All the muscles in my body were now involved and I must have looked like a bear choking on a hairball. It was terrible. That Dumb and Dumber clip had nothing on this.

My episode ends and all I can say is..."What the hell was that?" Many of you don't know that if I am not in the right stance to vomit, then I blow all of the blood vessels in my face and eyes and then I look like an absolute monster. Luckily I had good form for the hurling. This was a relief. I give myself a 10. Yay for me.

That feeling of relief would last all of about 5 seconds.

I look up, wipe my eyes clean of the tears that accompany convulsive muscular tremors beginning at your toenails and ending at your scalp, and I look into the sink, the lucky receptor of the contents of my stomach as well as all corners in my body...pretty sure my pinky tow turned inward so much stuff came out of me. The water that I turned on to "thin out" the...um...leftovers...yeah,not going down the drain. GREAT!

So...let's recap. Explosive diarrhea, projectile vomiting, 8 ten-year olds, next room, friends house, China, middle of the night, thirsty still, and sink clogged. Awesome. Oh...and I use up all the toilet paper on the roll at this point.



A few words are going through my head at this point. You can imagine what they were.



I clean up. I regroup...I stand up firm...even confident...I look at that sink...I look at my arm...I think to myself...my girlfriend is a nurse and she has told grosser stories...I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN DO THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISS! I ram my hand in to the puke stew and unclog that drain myself!!! I am a MAN, I can FIX things. AAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

Well......no luck. I try again and I get some draining going, I work that hand around and sure enough get the drain open and down it all goes. The odor remains...the stink stew is gone. I feel significant about myself...and sick at the thought of what I just did...but oddly enough, prepared for fatherhood and diaper changes.

I clean off the arm...now considered a weapon of mass destruction, and disinfect it. I return to the bathroom every 45 minutes or so for mostly turbo-explosive diarrhea all throughout the night. I get madder and madder and madder. I start shivering uncontrollably at about 4.30am and run a bath. The hot water runs long enough to cover most of me before it turns cold. Still thirsty.

No place to go get Gatorade at this point. I am in someone else's home and all are asleep. I am not waking anyone up unless they hear me and come running to see death happening before their eyes. I mean, c'mon, this could be embarrasing if anyone finds out!

6.45 am rolls around and I am dying...no seriously. I feel terrible. Every bit of water I put in comes right out. So thirsty. I see John is up and I ask him if he feels ok. He and I ate everything the same all day except for at dinner. I have narrowed down the culprit I think. Sorry sucker feels just fine, looks fine, and has energy. I almost hate him a little. A little.

I finally get to sleep about 7am and wake up around 11. One more episode and off I go to bed again till 2pm. I get up, think about lunch...at this point I am starving and thirsty. John goes and gets Gatorade for me, and they just serve me left and right making sure that I am doing ok. We watch the Formula One race from Shanghai and then take naps until dinner.

Jenn is a nurse and I trust her judgment here, she and I both think that all seems ok and we are back on the right track!

And then...

::: Golden Week, Part Quarta (5)

Then...it happens. I paid $12 for a 2-hour massage. It was incredible. That little 90-pound chinese massage lady bent me in ways that no human should bend and basically folded me into a pretzel about 12 times...all at the same time. Ever folded a table cloth...yeah...a little like that. Once...just once...it really was uncomfortable.

They give you these little paper shorts and shirt to wear if you want. Well, I put the shorts on and they had little sewn in underwear in them, I was like...this is unnecessary. I am not going swimming in paper shorts. Then she folded me into a pretzel and I totally ripped them right in that spot where as a man you hate to rip any kind of covering. Luckily I kept my manties on! That could have been embarrassing! What...you don't call them manties?

I feel a little sick at the end of this little assault and am excited we are taking a cab home. I mean, the little communist must have moved my stomach all around my internals. My stomach saw more of my internal cavity on this trip then ever before!

It takes us 45 minutes to find a cab in this city...it was unbelievable!!! It has never been like this. Every cab was full. I was dying. I wanted to lie down on the street and sleep. It was after midnight and I was super-relaxed...all except a little nausea from little Ms. Ali's boxing my body back there.

We finally get a cab thanks to that sickly loud whistle my Dad taught me as a kid...Dad and David Fultz. He helped me put what Dad told me into action. Not sure if he knows that. Hmm...seems like he did the same with learning to swim. Thanks man! Anyway...I caught the empty cabbie going the other direction and whistled him around to our side of the intersection. A great way to end the night!

Or...begin the morning...

::: Golden Week, Part IV (4)

John is up early and I am sleeping in. I hear a knock on the door of the room I am staying in and he summons' me to the breakfast buffet at the Holiday Inn. This is the hotel that I usually stay at where the western breakfast buffet is killer. I am even considering getting a room for one night of my visit just to feel like old times...and another excuse to get the buffet again.

I pound down all of my favorites and this time around I am not as shell shocked to the few Asian items on the other side of the buffet...they seem normal to me. That is one point I realize that this is normal, that this is home to me. I have those every now and then. We visit with the hotel management that he has introduced me to over the years, a few American's who are there on business, and enjoy that great coffee that the hotel has perfected.

Shortly after, we head home on foot. We are walking around and I am just being updated about all the latest development projects. The most shocking was seeing that from the hotel all the way back to the oldest Christian church in China had been leveled. Completely leveled. All the shops, homes...everything. I had bought things in these stores, been to small groups in these homes, and basically just looked at them from the rooms high above in the hotel and wondered about the life among the people there. All of it is gone...just so we can add another shopping mall I am sure.

We walk and walk, and I am soaking it all in again, it feels so great to be back in this city. We pass the incinerator where they cremate bodies, and while we are passing, a fresh one rolls up. Luckily, it was in a van. Sometimes, they just come up from the hospital still on the gurney. We lingered there a minute, hoping to see such a sight. Nothing happened. We walked.

We stopped for a frozen lemonade there by the University Campus...XIA DA (sha da). LUIS TOVAR I AM THINKING ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. Anyway, Tovar took Xia Da to a new level. So, yeah we walked, talked, got a cab. Headed home. After a bit we went and looked at another hotel to see if it would be too nice for groups to stay in, and it was. Too nice, same price. Can't be too high on the hog on those kind of trips.

From there we looked at the newly installed boardwalk all along the beach-front. The great thing about the Chinese is that once their minds are made up, they do it. No red tape. Just do it. Bulldoze. Tear down. Build a boardwalk. But, the downfall of this bias for action is that it gets done. Without planning. Just done. They built the boardwalk on the beach during the daylight hours during low tide...well guess what happens during high tide?...that's right...boardwalk disappears! T.I.C! (this is China...they just do things differently).

So from there we grab a mango smoothie and head home, make popcorn for the 8 ten-year olds that are at the 4fish home and are going to spend the night with their daughter. From there we head to get pizzas at an Italian restaurant favored by the local internationals for their dinner. After we deliver the pizzas we head back to this restaurant and I have one of the best meals I have ever had. Chicken leg stuffed with sausage. It was incredible! I mean the flavors melted together so well. The chicken was actually stuffed with more of a salami than sausage. So as it cooked, the juices and everything married so well together. Amazing.

We head home and check on the rest of the family and the 10 year olds.

::: Golden Week, Part San (3)

Dinner began pretty um...quietly...that would change.

While we are at dinner at the aforementioned "rooftop" the place was swarming with college students who were drinking lots of beer and basically getting wasted. As time went on, it got louder and louder outside on that quiet little retreat we like to call the best meal in town for $2.

It seemed that just after we finished eating Gua Bao Ro (the best sweet and sour pork you could ever find in the entire planet) and Gambien Sujido (yeah, no idea how that one is spelled...5 Spice Green Beans) they all got up to do the pee pee dance right behind us by the bathroom door. It took until then for them to realize that there were three whiteys among them dining. One of them a redhead....and the weirder part was two of them spoke Chinese!

That is when the beer goes down and everyone is suddenly an ambassador for Xiamen and for China. We are then surrounded by super nice drunk Chinese college students who pour us a few shots of Coca-Cola. Albeit in their previously beer-laden glasses while they try and communicate in drunken Chinglish. It really was quite a gesture.

The students then went to playing a game they play during this holiday week that isn't played anywhere else called BoBing. A little obnoxious game that sounds like bells going off all around town.



It is a dice game thrown in a ceramic bowl and they all chip in to purchase prizes for the players to win. They have small prizes and large prizes. Tissues may be one small gift, and a rice steamer a large gift. As we were leaving, one of the students reached over and gave me one of his prizes, a cup of fruit custard. Sounds cheesy, but it was really humbling looking back on it. He just gave me, a complete stranger, a gift. Something he could have really enjoyed. And you wonder why I love this place so much?

Again, that thought hits me about the whole dinner experience...You just don't see that everyday!

J, J, and I head back to their place and the redhead and I head out to our favorite coffee-shop over looking Gu Lang Yu Island, which at this time of night is all lit up and beautiful! A couple of coffees, some Haagen Dazs, and a good deep convo and its night night sleepytime.

Little did I know the night would be whispering through the cool air a warning message for me,..."silly boys – rest well...you are going to need it!"

::: Golden Weekend, Part Deux...(2) :::

I just boarded my plane in probably the fastest time I have ever boarded a plane.

Not to mention that I am flying on the newest airliner I have ever flown on...it even has that new car smell! Other than buying out Wal-Mart of those little Ozium scented aerosols...how they got that car smell into an airplane I have no idea! ;0) (of course I know how...they just parked a bunch of new cars in it at the factory...duh!)



It’s an Airbus A330 and seriously...it has to be week’s old if that old. The Rolls-Royce Engines are massive and put out an amazing amount of thrust as we took off into the Hong Kong Sky headed northeast along the evening lit coast of China. I feel like I am in a finely appointed Ferrari. Or... imagine that I’m in a Ferrari...basically because I have never been in a Ferrari so I would have no idea.

Anywho, even the bathrooms are nice...I even lingered in there for awhile if you know what I mean...hahaha...lingered. Ok, just kidding...saw the opportunity for a fart joke and took it. (Slapping my wrist now and telling myself to grow up...My reaction?...I am stomping my feet in protest. If only I had those light up shoes, it would be a freaking strobe party up in this hizzy).

Where was I...oh yeah. So this jet is sweet. Made me think about those entertainers that we pay crazy amounts of money to, being able to lease one of these bad boys all comforted with swanky leather and...well, strobe lights. There they are again. Strobe lights.

OK...I just re-read this post and I sound like those two friends of mine back at the pub took over for a few minutes. They didn’t...no coup here in my part of Asia. I guess I am just really excited.

The flight lasts about 55 minutes and after all of the flights I have taken on this airline, probably 10 by now, the food on this one is definitely the least favorable. Fish-Burger. No thanks.

Passing on the fish-burger I wait for the greatness that is ‘the rooftop’! This has to be the best hole in the wall I have ever eaten at! I was told that we would head there immediately after my arrival.

I land, and make my way toward Immigration. It is then when I am walking there alone, without 25 college students or even a handful of them...that this is weird. I wound up at the same Immigration post as when the college students all landed there with me. I looked up and I swear I saw J. Sand getting stamped in, T Dizzle, Jess, Mya, McElligot, Anna and Shelby...the whole crew was there in my mind. I realized how much I miss all of those students, and more importantly their friendships.

I walk through customs with no problems or hassles. My passport pages are now completely filled with China visas and I’ll have to get more pages sown in this next week at the consulate. I head through the gate and there is that red-headed rascal looking all skinny and smiling, ready to pick me up. John is one of those guys that shouldn’t be one of your most trusted buds, but is. He is 20 years older than me...on paper. This guy would wear anyone out energy wise and just happens to be one of the coolest people I have ever met. Talk about young at heart...the man defines it.



We get a cab and head to meet up with his family. The man driving the cab was a guy with a regular car trying to pick up a few dollars...normally they look like the one in the picture. His was just painted silver with no light on top. We negotiate down from 60RMB to 50RMB and get on our way. Our cabbie is a shifty little man. I mean that literally...he kept shifting in his seat and rocking. He is making up some time and getting us there in fine speed...then.

Then he pulls over, throws up the emergency brake, says something in Chinese and jumps out on a three lane road. I am thinking...he is going to take my luggage hostage from the trunk and demand more money. Then it hits me...this isn’t America...this is China...he probably needs to...yep, there he goes...he just needs to tinkle. The dude pulls over and heads into the woods to take a leak. How great is that?

While Captain Leaks-a-lot is relieving himself I am relishing in the hilarity that it is. Little did I know how much better it would get. A few minutes down the road we wind up in a traffic jam. For those of you who have been to China...you know traffic jams don’t last long because of the creative driving they employ. This one had to last a good minute. Turns out we were trapped behind slow moving Dirt Movers that were working on a construction project. Sir Leaks-a-lot yells out the window at the drivers and basically road rages on them as we inch by. Finally free of the jam, he bears right and pulls over. I am sitting here going...what...is he going to fight the guy? No, he grabs his bottle and tries to go in to get hot water for tea. John flips out, threatens to get out and get another cab, and I am just thinking to myself...This doesn’t happen everyday!

We get back to the house with no problems and head out for dinner!

::: Golden Weekend, Part 1 :::

I am in one of, if not the one, place in the world I absolutely love to be. I am sitting at a pub table over looking the South China Sea from inside a pub at the Hong Kong Airport. In my immediate eyesight are Air China, British Airways, Cathay Pacific, Dragon Air, Eva Airlines, South African Airways, and China Eastern...and that is just one terminal.

One of the reasons I love this place is the intersection of the world that it is. Almost 2 years ago my buddies, Crissey and Goza, were traveling back to the states with me through HKG. We had some time before our flight and a Burger sounded real good. We found this pub and sat down to eat. While we were there killing time we met three other dudes, one from Scotland living in Dubai, another from the Gold Coast in Australia, and another from London. They asked if we wanted to play pool and we joined...and listening to them trash each others shots and acts like boys was awesome. Here we are six dudes from all over the world meeting in a random place and extending each other the grace of a pool game. It makes me smile to see people from all over the world intersecting and having fun. Anyway, just a little background.

Back to now.

My two friends Guinness and Jameson are here with me and we are celebrating. Not sure what we are celebrating...but the mood is all smiles! (there is a cigar shop right below me with Cubans...shhhh...don’t tell my mother). If I had a postcard I would write, “Hi Mom! Love you! And, I would sign it...’Torch.’”

I talked with Cheryl the whole way to the airport on my mobile. I love technology and cheap rates...and the fact that my girlfriend works nights in the states! She and I talk for about a penny a minute thanks to knowing the right people. I went from my bank at the furthest end of the MTR line to the polar opposite end all for about $10 and an hour out of my day. The transit system here is unbelievably easy...even though sometimes I make it harder than it needs to be. It is so very clean and efficient. You have got to come see this place. It is NOTHING like you think it is.

::: A.D.D. MOMENT ::: (STARS by Switchfoot is on the speakers above me, and an Air India flight just landed on the runway closest to the water...and Football games are on every TV...real football that is, I believe you/we call it soccer.)

My flight boards in 15 minutes and I hate to leave my seat. It is the first stillness I have had in quite some time. I am heading out to see some friends in mainland China for a long holiday weekend. It is National week here, also called Golden Week...the anniversary of the Communist Party taking over after the cultural revolution and the establishment of The People’s Republic of China...not the Republic of China...that would be Taiwan. Which yes...is still considered China...as is Hong Kong. But leaving out of Hong Kong to China is an “International” flight. This One Country Two Systems thing is pretty freaking confusing if you ask me! So...a three day weekend holiday for those in Hong Kong, but a week long holiday in China. Yeah...that seems fair!

I guess Chairman Mao was feeling, as the Brit Colonials would say, a little ‘cheeky’ when he started all this...give me a week off, and my patriotism goes through the roof too! Now in China the deal is that if you are to take off for a five day work week for the holiday...the Saturday and Sunday before and after are considered work days. So...add ‘em up and you get 4...4 days xtra work to have a five day work week off. Hmmmm...something smells fishy here. That’s pretty much just one day off.

(Announcer voice says...”And the folks in Hong Kong get the award for saving the redundancy and cutting straight to the one day off.”)

.........where's mold........................?

I have had the most exciting weekend anyone could ever have in three days. I am writing about it as we speak...um...as we read. Pictures, shall be included...and yes, it shall be riveting. I will be posting in installments...let's call them 'refills'. Because, they should take you the amount of time to read as takes to drink a refilled cup of coffee. Maybe. If we drink the same size gulps. Then perhaps not.

Mold...please check back...I am not dead yet.