Well, it's been a few days...and I have stewed without even knowing it

Well, It's been a few days...and I gotta tell ya...I've missed you!

I have had a slow down in updating the 'ol bloggy blog blog. I am adjusting. My school schedule has gotten pretty busy now that I am grading worksheets and the like. I am actually handing out marks and the like.

It is crazy. I look out into the eyes of these kids and I see a few me's...is that right?...can you say me's? It's my blog...so I say I can.

I see these kids who are diagnosed with some sort of pshycho-babble disorder and usually drugged with a chemical to 'slow' them down enough to help them concentrate. I was fortunate enough to fight enough to keep my parentals from taking me to the doc for such a thing. I know that they tried and looked for everything possible to help me in school and spared no expense along the way. They truly offered every option to me. The solution to these tears and frustrations that they had for me...interest.

I needed something more...I needed more than rote material that I was just supposed to memorize. More than just some "things I learned in the past, so you should too" and much more than what some jack-ass at the school board decided I needed to learn so use this text book kind of thing.

I needed a school like I teach at. I needed a Principal that thought like Mr. Yau. Teachers who were hired because they were creative. Teachers who could not just teach, but reach. I needed attentive and creative people who made me laugh and got me excited about what I was learning. People who are adult enough to admit that school just isn't about grades. It is about choices and consequences, and life. People who taught us what we needed to learn based on our development. People who wrote their own curriculum.

I know a few guys that I went to school with that were freaking geniuses. But, their grades have done nothing for them in choosing. They are absolutely smart...but they have no sense. They had the grades that I should have cared about but didn't. They have degrees that most of us dream about having as little kids...and the paychecks to match. But, they are so wrecked...and they are so small in life. Sad.

Academics are nice. They hang on our walls. They make us look like the perception someone else already has. They categorize us.

I was categorized.

"They" were wrong.

Each time I apply for something, I come upon a challenge and usually a second look becuase of my academics. Then I get selected....9 times out of 10.

Then....

Then I get pulled aside at some point, and someone in the panel, or who was a part of the decision making process says..."You know, we almost didn't select you...We sure are glad we did! We would have passed up something great and made a terrible mistake. Thank you for being a part of our _______."

I am not writing this because I need to feel good about myself. I am not writing this because I need a lot of comments saying that, "I am smart enough, I am good-looking enough, and...Doggonit, people like me!," (give it up for stuart smiley...for those who don't know who that is...you must be a part of the google generation...look it up).

I am writing this because categories suck.

They may pseudo-help in knowing where and what someone should get as far as attention goes...but why is this always first to spending time with them? Why is it never the option to spend time with the student? To know them. To give that little one a friggin coke and share a snack with them and say...hey man, tell me about what you absolutely love to do? What do you just get so excited about you want to scream?...(this kids reaction is what I am talking about!)

I have a student who when I give him enough thought at the end of the day, I am forced to deal with a lump in my throat. Mainly because I would rather discipline him in some way rather than reach him. I crave conformity on his part to that of the other kids. But he is different. He needs more. He needs more than just someone to listen to. He needs more than just someone to give him worksheets. He needs more than chemicals and detentions. He needs someone to engage him.

How do you balance him knowing what is and out of bounds, and engaging him? This is a challenge my friends. I would love to effect this young man in a profound way. That he might be my Opus...(Mr. Holland).

But...I was reminded today in a rather interesting way. You know when someone shares something with you that puts your back on the floor? I had received a message of someone who I am so challenged by, of the effect that I have had on his life. This message literally felt like a kick in the stomach with tears to follow...in a good way.

I really do feel that God ( The Father....the other One of the trinity including Jesus, and the Holy Spirit one for the sake of clarity ) gives us gifts...or to put it another way, graces us. He sends these little messages in the clouds, flowers, a quiet star lite night, a smile, a laugh, a cry...a message, straight from Him. He sends these messages to say many things. In despair when we think we hear Him not...He sends a peace. In celebration, He speaks in a proud way...I guess I can give you my examples, but maybe you have your own.

Lately, He speaks to me in favor. For some reason, I am being accepted here quicker than others. I have been evaluated and approved of highly, I have been asked to participate in projects and responsibilities, school parents have commented, students have commented, and peers and leadership have commented. All too flattering and somewhat embarassing.

And then...the college students have commented. Students whose lives I was fortunate enough to be in. Students who challenge me. Students who I absolutely would do anything and did do everything for. Some students who seemed disinterested at what I offered, now offer me encouragement and words that are far too humbling for someone like me.

Interest. It is something that has many definitions.

something you take in someone/something

a return on investment

for me...it is a word that describes my curiosty to why I am being shown favor. To why all of this encouragement is coming my way now, seemingly all at the same time.

It is 4:17am...and I am wiped. Spent. Stick a fork in me...I am...overwhelmed. And tired. So, know spell-checker tonight...

M